Friday, October 24, 2014

Writing From My Heart (I need to get this out in the open for better or for worse and it is not nuanced or sugarcoated)

I feel like I am fighting for my life. Fighting for my soul. I want to live in this world and feel called to live in this world in a way that validates my experience and gives space for all to have their experiences heard and embraced as well. I am struggling to be present to my feelings of not belonging within a community that claims to embrace me, yet through their action, or more truthfully, their lack of action does not authenticate their purported values of inclusion and willingness to witness to all their neighbors.
I am struggling because I feel like I am not trusted and that my leadership is not taken seriously because I cannot present it in a manor that validates the current system. I am struggling to find my voice within the noise that I am surrounded by when I am within these walls of privilege speaking from a place, and out of a theology that they no nothing about.
I am giving everything I have to this community and I do not feel heard, let alone embraced.
At every miss step I take I feel trapped by the privilege that you enjoy, while I silently suffer, while working to find the place within me to love myself and love you all at the same time.
I do not have fancy words, but I fight like hell some days to get myself out of bed to love the world that has been placed under my feet.
I ask myself, why? Why have I been asked to lead you all? Why have I been called to witness in this way to those who do not appear to want to listen to what I have to say…

 What purpose do I serve in this world?

I know that I am incredibly imperfect and that, no, I do not have it figured out, but I know that y’all don’t either, yet because of your privilege and the fact that you do not have to ask the questions I have to ask myself everyday and your actions tell me that you don’t want to, it gives me pause and begs me to ask God what am I supposed to do? Even when I do ask the questions they’re only left partially answered, and only answered in a manor that is consistent with maintaining the comfort and lived apathy I perceive.
I am still hurting from the traumas I have survived. I do get longer reprieves from my pain little by little, but that is not enough and it is not enough to put band-aids over the pain of our neighbors either.
I am scared, everyday that I will fail you all and scared everyday that I will not be able to find the strength to show up for myself, and for all of you.  When you do not show up for me and my much worse off brothers and sisters how else am I supposed to feel but undervalued, unwanted, tokenized for my youth, and unseen as whole.

Last Saturday night there was a woman on the streets downtown I spoke with who has two young children, and that did not have a place to sleep for the next two nights. She only needed 22 more dollars on top of the 20 I have already given her to put a roof over their heads for the night. I had to talk to between 55 and 65 people to get $22 dollars. I was terrified, but I called several of my other outside of the church and got no answer. The one friend who did answer has been broken by the world in many of the same ways I have been. She was unable to help, but at least she answered my call and I knew that she would listen. I am scared that no one is listening and I am very saddened by the fact that no one seems to want to listen either.  I am heartbroken that I am giving you all at UUCC everything I have, yet I still do not feel heard or wanted or even met with a fraction of the energy I put forth. I do not sleep at night because of my love and desire to see this church transformed, but my vision goes beyond UUCC. My vision includes the homeless mothers, the broke and struggling college students that are having to hope against all the odds that they will be able to find employment that speaks to their talents AND will provide them with the resources to pay back the debt they must incur to have a chance at getting a job that utilizes their potential.
I am not lazy, I feel stuck between the desire to not only be of service to you, but to do so in a manor that also serves our neighbors and does not deny the vast privileges that we here at UUCC enjoy every moment of every day of our lives. Please stop telling me “no”. Stop telling me we cannot change this community for the better. It is bullshit. We can and if you will not join me, I will leave and invest my energy and passion somewhere it is appreciated.

I cannot show up for you all in ways that you will not show up for me.

I am so disenchanted that I can barely force myself to get out of bed many days.

I should not have to question the legitimacy of my feelings to make you comfortable living in your privileged denial and feel justified in doing so. It is not my job to make you feel good about yourselves, which may be Molly’s job to some degree, but I would argue that it isn’t even her job, but it certainly is not mine.
Believe it or not, but I did not agree to be the president because I had an agenda, in fact, I had and I still only have a vague idea as to why I agreed to be your president, but I felt and feel even stronger now the call to serve, but that is not limited to serving you, I feel called to serve our homeless brothers and sisters, our young adult and youth brothers and sisters, but I cannot do that without your support, your trust, your commitment, and most importantly your faith that we can together, be transformed by love to bring unity in a divided town and an ever increasingly divided world.
I am asking you to show up. To give your community your best, not your convenient charity, but give me, give us, give this beautiful and broken world your heart, for only your heart will unleash the power that it will take to become the solution.

How do we at UUCC go about serving the poor in Columbia and Mid-Missouri? How do we work to halt the powerful forces that continually threaten the well being of those who do not have a place to voice their concerns among the decision makers of Columbia? How do we want to work to engage the college student community in developing and creating wholeness in our town and in the larger world?
How do we create a culture that works to recognize our belonging to those who we might rather ignore? Own our responsibility for being the hands and the feet of Jesus, here and now. We need to do the work to fix the structures that oppress, yes, but if we do that without engaging with those who struggle against those systems our efforts will not only be in vain, but quite possibly could make the problems worse.



We are better together.

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