It has
been a few days now and I am thinking about what I wrote in my last post. I
acknowledge that I am taking a risk by writing this blog and that what I have
written, and will continue to write could have some consequences as being
vulnerable often does. I don't have the answers for UUCC or for the wider
world, but I feel like I cannot ignore my feeling and that I should not. Nor
can I ignore that of others. I am laying my uncertainty before you as an act of
trust… an act of love, even.
I am
scared, but I also do not think there is much of a point in pretending and I
hope that you elected me to lead you not out of the desire to look like you
care what I have to say, but because you truly do care what I have
to say and about how I feel.
I said in
my last post "I am still hurting from the traumas I have survived. I do
get longer reprieves from my pain little by little, but that is not enough and
it is not enough to put band-aids over the pain of our neighbors either."
In writing this blog I am attempting to not simply cover up my feelings, but to
bleed openly and allow for others to be open about their feelings as
well.
I have
lived a lot of my life in cultures that value reason and intellect above
all else and that makes being raw and writing from my heart that much more
uncomfortable and since I have not been trained to do so it also makes it that
much more likely that I will make mistakes. The internal process I am giving
you space to witness will be (is already) a messy one.
I desire
to make a real difference in the world and I want you all to be a part of
making that difference with me. I am writing this blog for a couple reasons.
One reason is to make my feelings and thoughts known so that I do not feel like
a phony as a leader. Two, to communicate my desire to see real change and
to express what that would have to address in order for me to be satisfied that
there is any real progress being made. For us to do so, I want to hear what
burdens your heart? I want to hear what prevents you from feeling able to make
the changes in your own life to enable you to create the change you wish to see
in the world. I am asking from a place of love for each of you.
I am
terrified to go spend the next 7+ years of my life in school and have
to acquire tens of thousands of dollars of debt in order to be able
to do the work that I want to do to make real change in this world
for those like me and for those who are much worse off than I am. I am scared to view that debt as an
investment in what I see as an increasingly tyrannical economic and political
environment. The amount of debt most millennials have to acquire in order
to access quality educational opportunities (not just attend mediocre
credentialing institutions where the emphasis is on paper pushing, not on creating
enriching learning environments) is ludicrous and the fear of debt-slavery
is real. Tapping young people in this system is not only detrimental to
us, but is detrimental to the entire world economy and human progress
toward further collective liberation. I am inspired by women like Elizabeth
Warren who are fighting the just fight(though not perfectly as she too is human) at the tables with some of the most
greedy (cruel) people in this nation. She gives me more hope than just about
anyone else at this point in my life. The only way we can take back our
communities and take my our America is if we band together like never before
and demand, not ask, demand that America be governed in the spirit of it's
founding.
I want to
acknowledge that I know the UU church of Columbia is not responsible for
fixing all the world's problems and that we can only chew one piece of the
elephant at a time. I do, however, want to cut the crap to a minimum. Cut the
crap that we are some wonderful organization that is doing all in its power to
combat the problems of the world. We're not. We more closely resemble a country
club that has an intellectual focus on the elusive ideals of
justice. Due to this, we primarily engage in working toward justice in the
hypothetic realm of our intellects and imaginations. I am not going to say that
I am exempt from this, because I certainly am not, but I do recognize this fact.
In my striving to learn how I can actually put my body into motion for the
causes that my heart compels me to I have been attending as many inter-faith
meetings as I can to hear and learn of the struggles of those outside our
walls, but still very much apart of our community. Last week I went to three of
them. One meeting was at the second Baptist church downtown that was the
Missouri Faith Voices monthly meeting. The second meeting was at the Wilks BLVD
UMC listening to people who are homeless and addicted that receive services
from the Wilks congregation and working to become more effective in their
service. The third meeting I attended was held at the International Church on
McBaine. Each of these meetings could potentially warrant it’s own post, so I
will not attempt to give all of my thoughts on those at this time. I do,
however, want to make one comment, that at all of these meetings (to varying
degrees) there was some tension as to who owned and had most claim over the
work that we are all trying to accomplish, and therefore a lack of ability for
vulnerability and authentic presence to be had in those spaces. When we own our
own feelings the act of doing so, openly, enables us to be present to the hurt
of others, but if we are not able to own our own doubt, unknowing, hopes and
our own fears then we cannot move forward together in a way that is healing for
all of us. I say all of this knowing that simply doing that by itself is not
enough either, but is a real place to start, and in my heart I know it is the
only place worth starting from.
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